Javier Arenas vs LSU 2007

This feels like we just lost a conference game.

How do you give up a 2 -0 half time lead?

Don't tell my parents but I have drank an entire bottler of wine in the past thirty minutes.

What this reminds me of is Javier Arenas running back a punt against LSU. That is one of the best moments in my Alabama football history that I experianced.

But I can never watch the highlight without feeling depressed.

Landon Donovan controlled a ball to his left, moving the Brazilian defender into a state of worthlessness, and left footed it into the net sending me into a Natty Light enduced euphoria.

I will never be able to watch this highlight without the urge to vomit, just like Javy in 2007.

Right now?

I want to run down the burn victim ward at DCH (Tuscaloosa hospital) screaming "There is no God!".

I will never be able to experiance the happinness I felt with the Donovan shot or the Arenas returen again, because any memory of happiness will be filled with the urge to commit seppuku/

I will now list how it feels to lose a Confed cup final/ SEC conference game

Slam dick in car door

Fall down mountain of salt covered broken beer bottles

Forced to eat herpes outbreak vagina

Shove head into wood chipper

Jump feet first into wood chipper

Stick penis into electical wall outlet

Forced to watch SEC championship 2008 with commercials replaced with Tim Tebow post game Ole Miss speech

Stuck in pitch black room with nothing but "Rocky Top" playing for days

Forced to sit throught entire Twilight movie

Masterbation with hand covered in sand paper

Forced to watch 2005 Iron Bowl Brodie Croyle sack highlights.

Anally abused by AIDS positive hobo

Forced to watch every episode of "College Football Live Notre Dame Week"

Force fed Arby's chicken biscuits while Chick Fil-A biscuits are presented in front of me.

Soccer, bitches

I'm about to go to the Red Shed and order enough drinks to give me alcohol poisoning.


Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by Big Brother that some English and German fucks "be talking shit" about my United States National Mens Team, here for after referenced as USNMT. Or "our guys" or "the team that isn't communist bull shit."

Whatever makes me feel warm and fuzzy in my pants.

I've been following this team ever since Big Brother and his friends encouraged me to stay up all night and watch the Our Guys vs Portugal game in 2002 World Cup. I stayed up and got hooked. If you haven't seen that game, what basically happened is a bunch of no name The Team That Isn't Communist Bull Shit whipped out their red/ white/ blue cocks and slapped Portugal into submission.

It was glorious.

Fast forward embarrassing 2006 World Cup fast forward embarrassing two loses in opening round and hit play. So we need to beat Egypt by three goals to nothing and have Brazil beat Italy three goals to nothing which everybody believes to be impossible but ends up happening. English and other European media members talk shit, discuss team in patronizing manner, flap their euros mouths flap. There is no way these Americans can beat the number one team in the nation Spain who is currently riding an all time record thirty five unbeaten streak and fifteen straight wins, also a record.

Guess what?

BOOSH!

Cocks were unfurled, faces were slapped, US -2 Spain- 0.

And the world continues to talk shit.

I want the world to know that what we are doing is officially pissing on everything the love and hold dear. Honestly I don't have a problem with most Euro's but when you talk shit I'm going to piss on you. I'm in the minority here. Guess what Spain?

A country that frankly doesn't give a shit just bitch slapped you in an important tournament. Soccer, and yes it's soccer not football, is not even in the top four sports that Americans support. Horse Racing competes with Soccer for viewership and we just blank sheeted your ass in South Africa.

You and your fellow countries in UEFA wanna talk shit?

Go ahead.

I'm in the finals of the Confederation Cup and your going home to whack of to nasty European pornography that involves feces. Have fun listening to your reporters and writers talk trash about our talent and try to tell yourself that Jozy Altidore isn't going to be successful in your league.

I need to stockpile beer for tomorrow for the game against Brazil, a country currently not talking shit right now because, well, they're Brazil and they don't have to, because I live in a county that still clings to some form of annoying dryness.

I love you Alabama, but every time you force me to not get hammered and scream profanities I feel a bit like you're cheating on me.