Side Effects of Hepatitis

I'm just in my class that I have to take and during a break I get stuck having a conversation with a hippie bitch.  Just below the level of contempt I have for obnoxious Auburn douche is the hippie bitch.

Long story short, she's mad that Michael Vick is getting out so early, I say he served his time, she says it wasn't long enough, I say another NFL player killed a guy driving drunk and got thirty days, she says what Vick did was worse, I say that's stupid heavily implying that she is retarded, she gets huffy and the conversation ends.

Just five minutes of my life wasted, not a big deal.

But when I get home I get curious and look up some dumb animal rights web sites and luckily none of them are saying Michael Vick killing a bunch of dogs is worse than a dude getting run over by a drunk driver.  So I just had the luck to run into that one in a million sort of crazy.

But, Google being Google, I learn that Pamela Anderson is an "Animal Rights Activist," whatever the hell that is, and apparently hated Jessica Simpson because of this.

Sadly I was curious.

Okay so Pamela Anderson called Jessica Simpson a whore because she wore a shirt about how she thought real girls wouldn't be vegetarian so Pamela calls her a bitch and a whore.

Aneurysm.

Okay, first off people who take their diet so seriously that they actually consider it to be a self defining characteristic.  I've known nutritioinist, there is nothing wrong with eating healthy and being proud of it.

But if you get to the point that you are mad at people for eating a dead animal because it offends "who you are," I really hope you have access to firearms with minimal safety training.

I've got to have had this animal loving argument a million times, because I don't care about a cow living a shitty life before it's head is chain sawed off.  Honestly this is the worst part about living in a college town.  Stupid causes.

Honestly this really isn't a cause.  Until all the chickens get together and scratch out a bill of rights I'm down for cutting their heads off and turning them into KFC.

If you define yourself by your vegetarianism you are defining yourself by what you eat, and since everything that has a beginning must have an end you are defining yourself by shitting as well.  So the next time someone gets all fucking west coast elitist, sticks their nose up in the air, and tells you that they are vegan with a self satisfied look on their pale face, just think to yourself "shit person" and you too can avoid the life ending anyeurysm.

Then Pamela Anderson is so caught up in her cause that she is going to refer to someone else as a whore.  

Really?

This is a woman who got famous for posing naked in a magazine and running on a beach in tight swim suits.  The only reason her popularity was sustained was because she had a sex tape come out.

And honestly none of that bothers me.

Porn model is an honest way of making life, certainly better than prostitute/ thief/ contract killer/ professional child molester/ Professional Middle Eastern Feminist Suppressor/ African child soldier trainer/ Auburn fan/ Somalian Pirate and many other professions that are far worse than someone who makes money off their sweet, sweet tits.

But if you are going to work in this industry you can't use these words.  The porn industry is based on liberating female workers in a profession and not judging females who enjoy and partake in sex just as much as a dude.  So if you are going to benefit from this concept you can't use the exact opposite of this to insult someone because they ate a burger.

And seriously.  Pam Anderson?  I have literally watched her suck Hepatitis down her throat.

Javier Arenas vs LSU 2007

This feels like we just lost a conference game.

How do you give up a 2 -0 half time lead?

Don't tell my parents but I have drank an entire bottler of wine in the past thirty minutes.

What this reminds me of is Javier Arenas running back a punt against LSU. That is one of the best moments in my Alabama football history that I experianced.

But I can never watch the highlight without feeling depressed.

Landon Donovan controlled a ball to his left, moving the Brazilian defender into a state of worthlessness, and left footed it into the net sending me into a Natty Light enduced euphoria.

I will never be able to watch this highlight without the urge to vomit, just like Javy in 2007.

Right now?

I want to run down the burn victim ward at DCH (Tuscaloosa hospital) screaming "There is no God!".

I will never be able to experiance the happinness I felt with the Donovan shot or the Arenas returen again, because any memory of happiness will be filled with the urge to commit seppuku/

I will now list how it feels to lose a Confed cup final/ SEC conference game

Slam dick in car door

Fall down mountain of salt covered broken beer bottles

Forced to eat herpes outbreak vagina

Shove head into wood chipper

Jump feet first into wood chipper

Stick penis into electical wall outlet

Forced to watch SEC championship 2008 with commercials replaced with Tim Tebow post game Ole Miss speech

Stuck in pitch black room with nothing but "Rocky Top" playing for days

Forced to sit throught entire Twilight movie

Masterbation with hand covered in sand paper

Forced to watch 2005 Iron Bowl Brodie Croyle sack highlights.

Anally abused by AIDS positive hobo

Forced to watch every episode of "College Football Live Notre Dame Week"

Force fed Arby's chicken biscuits while Chick Fil-A biscuits are presented in front of me.

Fucking Vampires

This trend basically makes me want to slam my dick in my car door.

It's all because of some shitty book/film about this girl who's being stalked by this guy who turns out to be a vampire. Everyone knows of this movie and everyone realizes the entire concept is shit, but this realization in no way hinders the success and popularity of what basically boils down to a romance novel/ chick flick that has replaced the single dad cop/ bad boy firefighter with a heart of gold/ EMT operator that is burly yet a sensitive lover with an emotional vampire.

Let's ignore the concept of what a vampire is supposed to be, i.e. a hunter kill of human being, and accept that a person with these abilities and this urge to kill has fallen in love with a girl with the unbelievable name of Bella. Ignore that a vampire story ignores every rule of what a vampire is supposed to be in order to make their overtly strange character a likable match for the heroine with the retarded name.

I honestly once questioned out loud how vampires could be walking around in the day in pretty much every scene I had seen. A woman, who shall now only be mentioned as a twat waffle in type and in my head, tells me that "that's why they live in Seattle." So the vampires can walk around in the day because they live in Seattle.


Like I said, dick in a car door.

But I can't find myself being enamored with a vampire. How is this supposed to scare me exactly? How is this supposed to impress me? Super strength and fangs is nice for a comic book movie but doesn't necessarily scare me.

This True Blood/ Twilight/ Blade shit proposes that vampires are actually more advanced than humans and run the world from their underground caves or whatever. The reason a vampire could never worry me is that human beings would wipe these bitches off the face of the earth.

I mean I study history in depth and have numerous major news networks on cable. Fangs and the ability to jump high and move fast ain't gunna impress a member of the species that invented the atomic bomb/ the guillotine/ the concentration camp/ the iron maiden/ water boarding/ napalm/ the claymore, both the sword and the explosive/ the pengi stick.

We're talking about a race of beings that not only thought up sticking sharp bamboo spikes in the ground for other members of the species to step on but had the imagination to first cover those bamboo spike in human feces as to facilitate an infection that would lead to slow painful death.

During the French Revolution hundreds of French revolutionaries tied their own countrymen to a barge in the middle of a river than sank it as a means of killing a large amount of people as quickly as possible. The Marquis de Sade got his dick hard from inflicting pain in other people inventing Sadism as the pain inflicting side of S and M.

The fucking French scare me more than vampires.

We are ten times more frightening than a vampire family could ever be. If you force me to stay in a dark room with either Jeffrey Dahmer or a vampire, I'm picking the vampire every time. There's a good chance I might find a way to get light in the room or maybe I had some garlic bread earlier and can just vomit on him. Dahmer is pretty much guaranteed to improvise a way to slit my throat so that he can have sex with my lifeless corpse.

A guy sucking blood out of my neck doesn't really compare to the image in my head of Dahmer pounding away at the hole in my neck of my dead body.

This is from an era when this shit could be thought of as scary. I live in the modern world. Vampires would be our bitches from first step. While I will agree with HBO that if anywhere Louisiana is a likely place, I even think the Cajuns would found a way to incorporate vampire meat into gumbo years ago. Vampires aren't going to even faze these people, they do more damage to their own bodies than a fucking vampire could ever do.

An alligator is a killing machine that has survived thousands of years of evolution. It is an animal that has tremendous jaw strength and speed. Everything in an alligators life is geared toward catching things in their mouth and rotating as to rip the flesh off the carcass. Along with the shark it is considered one of the most effective killers in the animal kingdom.

Cajuns kill these things and eat them.

So no, the amazingly popular book about a vampire and the girl he bangs doesn't interest me and is in fact completely retarded. Thinking in any way that vampires could survive against a species such as the human race is retarded.

We are the much more interesting and scary being so stop being stupid and quit reading books about something that was only scary in a Victorian age. Human depravity is

Much. More. Interesting.

The Michael Jackson Dove Lady

I'm at the mall Chick Fil-A waiting in a lunch hour line when some teenage mistake starts talking about Michael Jackson who had apparently died of heart attack/ drug overdose/ whatever.

This girl was ridiculously young to be talking about Michael Jackson, I'm talking 90's birth date. She's in the city of Tuscaloosa, Alabama wearing an Auburn sweatshirt in 90 degree weather, so basically she's batting a thousand for people I want to see fall down a flight of stairs.

She's prattling on and on about how people are being too harsh about Michael Jackson being called a pedo-ass and how people should be more restrained. While I can empathize with people who want to honor the dead, I can not restrain my urge to vomit over a girl who never experienced anything but creepy, obviously a child molester, Michael Jackson and yet still feels the need to defend his life, which she knows nothing about, simply because it's over.

My stance on the whole issue? The guy is dead and it wouldn't have affected me in any way had it not been for people like little miss annoyance. Because of her constant ranting and raving I decided to leave the line for the cheap mall Chinese food that resulted in fiery diarrhea being shot out of my ass. This woman not only annoyed me, she attacked my bowels.

While I was on the toilet, letting loose unholy hell from my body, I couldn't help thinking of the many people who stood up for this man. Aside from the Auburn fan in the mall I can distinctly remember a group of people outside the courthouse during his verdict.

Thank god for youtube.

This brings me to dove lady. Not that I would judge anyone who followed a child molestation trial in hopes that justice would be found, but I cannot conceal my need to pray for a world ending meteor when people like the dove lady exist.

After every single verdict of innocent that came through for Michael dove lady would let free a bird in celebration. The fact that this crowd had gathered for this spectacle in support was shocking enough, but the level of enthusiasm to see an accused pedophile set free was damaging to my image of one the greatest, if not the greatest, civilizations in the history of the world.

The Romans celebrated murderers for sure, but I wonder how many times the crowds of the Coliseum would support a child rapist simply because he could moon walk.

For a while this bothered me. Then I calmed myself. Life was okay again. I was able to go about my day playing X-Box 360. I realized that getting angry over Michael Jackson or lashing out at his death simply wasn't worth it.

I'm not looking for any sympathy, but as a white male in Alabama if I create an incident in a Mall with a woman over a black entertainer, child molester or not, it probably would not end well for me. Imagine if one of the male patrons of Chick Fil-A takes offense and starts a fight that results in police interaction. The Arresting Officer would be made aware of what started the fight and life would become complicated.

Do not pass go. Do not play Tiger Woods 10 with friends and drink beer. Do not masturbate to streaming Internet pornography sites. Do not proposition similarly aged women at drinking establishments. Do not live happily ever after.

Go directly to jail. Go directly to front page news as suspected Klu Klux Klan member. Go directly to face smashed by Arresting Officer/ Fellow Inmate/ Random Michael Jackson fan. Go directly to destroyed Family Reputation. Go directly to unemployable life of poverty.

Trying to insult a dead celebrity just isn't worth it. It's in bad taste anyway, but then again when did that ever stop me?

The one consolation in not being able to speak my opinion on the legacy of Michael Jackson is the fact that I can imagine what kind of person dove lady is. It's all imagination so I can't be sued for thinking these things.

She is obviously single. I can't imagine her in any other way. No man is going to touch the amount of crazy it takes to celebrate the verdict in a child molestation case. And if she is the kind of person who is willing to get a cage big enough for this amount of birds simply for the purpose of celebrating Michael Jackson's acquittal then I'm guessing she considers herself an "animal person." Basically she's a cat lady. So the thought of this woman stuck in a house with about twelve to fifteen cats, who are the surrogates for the child she probably will never have, actually soothes me. I can see the shit and kitty litter covering the floor and the used Alpo cans clogging her trash cans. I can get inside this woman's head and look at this world she lives in and honestly hear her ask herself, "Why won't any men sleep with me?" and be oblivious to the millions of answers in front of her eyes.

Thinking of dove lady in this way reaffirms my believe in the American Civilization and takes away my prayers for the life ending meteor.

Oh and the teenage bitch in the mall?

She's an Auburn fan. Of course she's bat shit crazy.