I am going to write and produce the two books that will sell more copies than any book in history. I will surpass Whitman, Twain, Steinbeck, and Shakespeare in sales. I might even pass God.
The book will be a two cover book, with one side of the book being one separate book and other side of the book being another separate book.
The title of one side will be All Religious Fundamentalist Will Burn in Hell
The other side will be All Leftist Hardcore Liberals Should Kill Themselves.
The two books will both be very well developed arguments. They will denounce the beliefs of each other and contradict each other perfectly. They will be well thought out and researched. Pain stacking effort will be made to ensure that both sides have extremely valid arguments that contradict the beliefs of the other side.
But that's not why the books will sell well.
My marketing campaign will be the most intelligent marketing campaign in history.
My plan is to incite enough hate in me on both side that I gain millions upon millions of dollars.
On the left I want to be boycotted. I want my book to be considered trash that is a threat to human rights, animal rights, and the advancement of academic thought. I want to be called racist, sexist, and, most importantly, evil. I want these people to compare me to Hitler.
The more they talk about how horrible the book is and how people shouldn't buy it, the more people will go out and buy the damn thing just to see what all the fuss is about.
It's like the reverse psychology your parents used on you, only with death threats.
On the right I want to inspire the largest concentrations of book burnings in history. I want this book to cause a serious spike in global warming. I want every religious nut to make it his christian duty to destroy my work.
Because the gotta buy it to burn it and never underestimate the spending power of Mein Kampf crowd.
The titles and contents will not be enough to incite the amount of pure hatred that is necessary to accomplish these goals. We live in a visual age of non stop advertising and books can not consider themselves any different if they want to keep up with other forms of media.
Therefore I will commission three series of book covers for both sides specifically targeted to incite hate within the separate communities.
First the conservatives.
I will assemble a congregation of the Church of Satan to join me. The will be in the background wearing the most stereotypical garb they can find with the biggest pentagram they can find. In the foreground will be me hold an American Flag upside down setting it on fire.
The combination of religious heresy and treason will surely encourage many to burn the book.
The next scene will take place in a scenic small town of Apple Pie USA. In the back ground will be a group of gay pride marchers. The group will consist of drag queens, black leather wearing bikers, and a few people that look like every day people but will be holding a rainbow flag. In the foreground will be the most successful and content gay couple in America open mouth kissing each other. Naked.
This could possible be the best selling one of the whole group since homophobia in the religious community is self righteousness in the liberal community. Shit's everywhere.
The last one will be the most artistic. in the back ground will be a setting sun over the grand canyon. The clouds will be a wonderful set of reds, purples, and hazy oranges. In the foreground, close up, will be an aging couple from "The Greatest Generation." They will be sitting at a wooden table and the man will be reaching across the table to hold his wife's hand as they share a tender smile and stare. Between them will be a foot an a half long black dildo.
The stark contrast of all that is American natural beauty combined with an image of the realization of the American dream set against such a strong sexual image will have the religious right buying thousands of gallons of gasoline. Your welcome Shell.
Also this is probably my favorite, because all these hate mongers are all twisted in the head and all have strange sexual appetites. So publicly they speak out against the picture but internally they wish they themselves could us the apparatus.
Thus I am not only taking their money but I am also getting to add a nice little layer of hypocrisy to their lives. Shit's paying off double.
For the liberals I look to offend harshly.
For the Animal rights groups I intend to go to a slaughter house. I will commission a large speaker system and three kegs of beer. In the background will be all the workers of the slaughter house cheering with beers in their hands. In the foreground will be me with a chainsaw cutting off the head of a cow.
Don't worry the cow will already be dead, I'm not going to make something suffer that much just for a picture, but the strength of the imagery will surely get the PETA crowd up in arms. A bunch of men and women of a slaughterhouse glorifying in the death of animal will also be a cool little comparison to images from cave walls.
Second image is the one that will get me assassinated. First in the background will be a large confederate flag. In the foreground will be me and four of my friends all dressed up in confederate uniforms. We will all be holding M-16s and in front of us will be a banner that says "Fuck Communism." (Reference to Garth Ennis) At our feet will be a large picture of Osama Bin Laden with bullet holes in it.
This is a threefer. First pisses off all the human rights groups with the confederate flag and the uniforms. I get all the gun control sissies with the M-16s. Finally I get to confront all the world peace coom-by-ya wusses with the riddled picture of Osama. Win-win-win situation.
The last one is the most simplistic. This copy of the book will feature me pouring the worlds most coveted and bottle of wine into a port a john at the Talledega 500, while dumping in assorted cheeses. This book will come complete with a picture every chapter of a red neck who used the john. The top of the john will read "Democrat = Socialist."
And that will pretty much cover me for the whole rich celebrity over political crowd.
After the book is published, and I have made my millions of dollars, I will soon be hunted down and killed. Either a zealot form the left or a religious whack job from the right. I just hope they aim for the head and make it quick.
Before my death the communities from both sides will vilify me. They will join in the only thing that ever brings together two groups of idiots which is hating some other idiot.
The divide in America will be closed and the country will once again prosper.
