For When I Am Dead

Funerals have always been my phobia. Ever since I attended my uncle's funeral I've been deathly afraid of the whole ordeal.

Honestly can there be anything more rediculous?

"Hi, how are you? So, as it turns out, your loved one is dead so could you please go stand in a room with the corpse for a couple of hours with everyone dressed in black and crying?"

Um, fuck that.

First off I'm getting the pizza treatment.

Also when I am shoved into the oven I will not be wearing a suit. I will be wearing Game Day attire. Crimson pants/ white button up long sleeve with sleeves rolled up to forearm/ houndstooth tie/ boots/ hat that displays hatred for rivals schools/ picture of Jay Barker most winning quarterback in Alabama history over my heart/ picture of Bo Jackson taped to my ass/ houndstooth hat placed over stomach.

En lieu of the classic funeral I will instead have enough money set aside to rent out a hall with a stage and to have a Jimmy Buffet cover band booked. Needless to say, money will be set aside for alcoholic beverages to fully stock the bar to last all day.

Everyone who wears a hawiain shirt drinks for free. Shirts will be set aside for people dumb enough to wear black.

En lieu of a body my ashes will be poured into a kid pool where people will be encouraged to pour a drink in every now and then. Behind this a stand with a large picture of me, drunk, at one of my fraternity parties.

After the party is over the pool will be thrown into a dumpster, because after you've shoved my decomposing body into a furnace it doesn't really matter where what's left ends up.

Guess what? You're all singing along ass holes.

The moment of silence in my honor will not be silent, it will be replaced with the University of Alabama's fight song "Yea, Alabama" being played. If you feel the need to break the moment of silence to shout "Roll Tide!" or "Go to hell Alabama!" I fully understand.

This is the southeast.

Many good things will be said about me. More bad things will be said about me.

I won't care, because I will be dead.

At least five people have to hook up at my death party and condoms are not allowed. I want to be responsible for at least a little bit of life in this world.

Fights are allowed, as long as someone is able to get it on camera and post it on the internet.