Son of a Bitch

Alright pressured into creativity again.

My body is in revolt. In college my metabolism threw punch after bloody punch at the spew of fried shit and alcohol that flooded my body. An accomplished and valiant warrior against the tide of unhealthiness.

But like all great fighters he's gotten old. Started to miss a few steps. No one can keep on winning forever. Have you seen Mohamed Ali lately? Not exactly stinging like a bee but he's dancing.

I'm gunna go to hell for that one.

So I beat my body into submission with Chik-fil-A and Miller Lite. The sad part is how surprised I was when the results started showing themselves.

My face went from a human form to that of a bowling ball. A small patch of me sticking out from the bottom of my chin. A small little patch of flesh mocking me in the mirror.

The gut didn't bother me. After running as a sport for over eight years college was a good excuse to just let go. The gut is more like a symbol of my freedom from the oppression of athletic expectations.

The problem is that along with the freedom fighter gut came squatters on my chest.

Moobs. Man tits. Or as they're called in my household, Phil Mickelsons.

So of course now I'm running again. A body that used to pound out five miles like it was nothing is now losing it's lunch after one and a half. It's like physical activity is a villain that just pretended to die when it fell down the waterfall.

Really it was just biding it's time to bend me over the desk and go to town.

In other news, God of War III was amazing.

Visually beautiful, great action, amazing weapons, and a great continuation of a unique story involving one of the more brutal characters I've encountered in anything.

Seriously, Kratos vs The Judge from Blood Meridian to see who's more obsessively violent.

And I was more than ready to give this game a ten out of ten. Until the flying up the chain - falling down the chain mini game.

First off, I KNOW that this game was built on mini games for big kills.

But that doesn't mean I have to like some shitty transition mini game that is obnoxious and annoying every time I go up or down this freaking chain.

Whoever thought that this was a good idea just cause it looked cool needs to slap himself in the face. Yea, you're a brilliant dude/chick for being a part of this game but you have had a moment of utter retardation.

Not only do you shove this shitty little transition game down our throats FOUR TIMES you also make it as annoying as possible.

Up has been up this entire experience, but for this one difficult section you decide to invert the directions. Why? Because he's flying? This isn't the flight simulator at the Air Force base num nuts, I don't need realistic flight controls to get my imaginary character up the imaginary section of the fantasy world of Olympus.

Hey the players just screwed up, probably for the fourth time, and needs to correct himself quickly to survive. Let's have a spray of blood block his path so he can't see shit and run into more shit so that more blood sprays out and he dies again and again.

Sadistic bastard.

Seriously, why ruin a perfect game experience with this? It was just the right amount of difficult in the actual game, you didn't need to add this freakin' stupidity.

So when I give this game a 9.8 in my imaginary review magazine, know that the .2 of fail is YOU Mr. Letsputsomebullshitminigameinthisshitprickhead