Fucking Vampires

This trend basically makes me want to slam my dick in my car door.

It's all because of some shitty book/film about this girl who's being stalked by this guy who turns out to be a vampire. Everyone knows of this movie and everyone realizes the entire concept is shit, but this realization in no way hinders the success and popularity of what basically boils down to a romance novel/ chick flick that has replaced the single dad cop/ bad boy firefighter with a heart of gold/ EMT operator that is burly yet a sensitive lover with an emotional vampire.

Let's ignore the concept of what a vampire is supposed to be, i.e. a hunter kill of human being, and accept that a person with these abilities and this urge to kill has fallen in love with a girl with the unbelievable name of Bella. Ignore that a vampire story ignores every rule of what a vampire is supposed to be in order to make their overtly strange character a likable match for the heroine with the retarded name.

I honestly once questioned out loud how vampires could be walking around in the day in pretty much every scene I had seen. A woman, who shall now only be mentioned as a twat waffle in type and in my head, tells me that "that's why they live in Seattle." So the vampires can walk around in the day because they live in Seattle.


Like I said, dick in a car door.

But I can't find myself being enamored with a vampire. How is this supposed to scare me exactly? How is this supposed to impress me? Super strength and fangs is nice for a comic book movie but doesn't necessarily scare me.

This True Blood/ Twilight/ Blade shit proposes that vampires are actually more advanced than humans and run the world from their underground caves or whatever. The reason a vampire could never worry me is that human beings would wipe these bitches off the face of the earth.

I mean I study history in depth and have numerous major news networks on cable. Fangs and the ability to jump high and move fast ain't gunna impress a member of the species that invented the atomic bomb/ the guillotine/ the concentration camp/ the iron maiden/ water boarding/ napalm/ the claymore, both the sword and the explosive/ the pengi stick.

We're talking about a race of beings that not only thought up sticking sharp bamboo spikes in the ground for other members of the species to step on but had the imagination to first cover those bamboo spike in human feces as to facilitate an infection that would lead to slow painful death.

During the French Revolution hundreds of French revolutionaries tied their own countrymen to a barge in the middle of a river than sank it as a means of killing a large amount of people as quickly as possible. The Marquis de Sade got his dick hard from inflicting pain in other people inventing Sadism as the pain inflicting side of S and M.

The fucking French scare me more than vampires.

We are ten times more frightening than a vampire family could ever be. If you force me to stay in a dark room with either Jeffrey Dahmer or a vampire, I'm picking the vampire every time. There's a good chance I might find a way to get light in the room or maybe I had some garlic bread earlier and can just vomit on him. Dahmer is pretty much guaranteed to improvise a way to slit my throat so that he can have sex with my lifeless corpse.

A guy sucking blood out of my neck doesn't really compare to the image in my head of Dahmer pounding away at the hole in my neck of my dead body.

This is from an era when this shit could be thought of as scary. I live in the modern world. Vampires would be our bitches from first step. While I will agree with HBO that if anywhere Louisiana is a likely place, I even think the Cajuns would found a way to incorporate vampire meat into gumbo years ago. Vampires aren't going to even faze these people, they do more damage to their own bodies than a fucking vampire could ever do.

An alligator is a killing machine that has survived thousands of years of evolution. It is an animal that has tremendous jaw strength and speed. Everything in an alligators life is geared toward catching things in their mouth and rotating as to rip the flesh off the carcass. Along with the shark it is considered one of the most effective killers in the animal kingdom.

Cajuns kill these things and eat them.

So no, the amazingly popular book about a vampire and the girl he bangs doesn't interest me and is in fact completely retarded. Thinking in any way that vampires could survive against a species such as the human race is retarded.

We are the much more interesting and scary being so stop being stupid and quit reading books about something that was only scary in a Victorian age. Human depravity is

Much. More. Interesting.