The Michael Jackson Dove Lady

I'm at the mall Chick Fil-A waiting in a lunch hour line when some teenage mistake starts talking about Michael Jackson who had apparently died of heart attack/ drug overdose/ whatever.

This girl was ridiculously young to be talking about Michael Jackson, I'm talking 90's birth date. She's in the city of Tuscaloosa, Alabama wearing an Auburn sweatshirt in 90 degree weather, so basically she's batting a thousand for people I want to see fall down a flight of stairs.

She's prattling on and on about how people are being too harsh about Michael Jackson being called a pedo-ass and how people should be more restrained. While I can empathize with people who want to honor the dead, I can not restrain my urge to vomit over a girl who never experienced anything but creepy, obviously a child molester, Michael Jackson and yet still feels the need to defend his life, which she knows nothing about, simply because it's over.

My stance on the whole issue? The guy is dead and it wouldn't have affected me in any way had it not been for people like little miss annoyance. Because of her constant ranting and raving I decided to leave the line for the cheap mall Chinese food that resulted in fiery diarrhea being shot out of my ass. This woman not only annoyed me, she attacked my bowels.

While I was on the toilet, letting loose unholy hell from my body, I couldn't help thinking of the many people who stood up for this man. Aside from the Auburn fan in the mall I can distinctly remember a group of people outside the courthouse during his verdict.

Thank god for youtube.

This brings me to dove lady. Not that I would judge anyone who followed a child molestation trial in hopes that justice would be found, but I cannot conceal my need to pray for a world ending meteor when people like the dove lady exist.

After every single verdict of innocent that came through for Michael dove lady would let free a bird in celebration. The fact that this crowd had gathered for this spectacle in support was shocking enough, but the level of enthusiasm to see an accused pedophile set free was damaging to my image of one the greatest, if not the greatest, civilizations in the history of the world.

The Romans celebrated murderers for sure, but I wonder how many times the crowds of the Coliseum would support a child rapist simply because he could moon walk.

For a while this bothered me. Then I calmed myself. Life was okay again. I was able to go about my day playing X-Box 360. I realized that getting angry over Michael Jackson or lashing out at his death simply wasn't worth it.

I'm not looking for any sympathy, but as a white male in Alabama if I create an incident in a Mall with a woman over a black entertainer, child molester or not, it probably would not end well for me. Imagine if one of the male patrons of Chick Fil-A takes offense and starts a fight that results in police interaction. The Arresting Officer would be made aware of what started the fight and life would become complicated.

Do not pass go. Do not play Tiger Woods 10 with friends and drink beer. Do not masturbate to streaming Internet pornography sites. Do not proposition similarly aged women at drinking establishments. Do not live happily ever after.

Go directly to jail. Go directly to front page news as suspected Klu Klux Klan member. Go directly to face smashed by Arresting Officer/ Fellow Inmate/ Random Michael Jackson fan. Go directly to destroyed Family Reputation. Go directly to unemployable life of poverty.

Trying to insult a dead celebrity just isn't worth it. It's in bad taste anyway, but then again when did that ever stop me?

The one consolation in not being able to speak my opinion on the legacy of Michael Jackson is the fact that I can imagine what kind of person dove lady is. It's all imagination so I can't be sued for thinking these things.

She is obviously single. I can't imagine her in any other way. No man is going to touch the amount of crazy it takes to celebrate the verdict in a child molestation case. And if she is the kind of person who is willing to get a cage big enough for this amount of birds simply for the purpose of celebrating Michael Jackson's acquittal then I'm guessing she considers herself an "animal person." Basically she's a cat lady. So the thought of this woman stuck in a house with about twelve to fifteen cats, who are the surrogates for the child she probably will never have, actually soothes me. I can see the shit and kitty litter covering the floor and the used Alpo cans clogging her trash cans. I can get inside this woman's head and look at this world she lives in and honestly hear her ask herself, "Why won't any men sleep with me?" and be oblivious to the millions of answers in front of her eyes.

Thinking of dove lady in this way reaffirms my believe in the American Civilization and takes away my prayers for the life ending meteor.

Oh and the teenage bitch in the mall?

She's an Auburn fan. Of course she's bat shit crazy.